Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.
Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.
Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.
Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you’re surfing around the net you’ll see banners and links that say things like “Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!” Simply click the link to get started.
Q: It won’t really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you’ll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn’t sound like hype.
Q: Okay, I’ve found one that says “Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!” Is that good?
A: Perfect.
Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.
Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it’s the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it’s MLM, by the time my third level is operating I’ll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.
Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ… uh, clients. You can switch your mother’s long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.
Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It’s for their own good.
Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.
Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it’s bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.
Q: But won’t I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it’s important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.
Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here’s a list of suggestions:
–Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.
–Join every free banner exchange.
–Get your own free-for-all links page.
–Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.
–Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. –Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.
–Hire a bulk emailer.
–Sponsor a golf tournament.
Q: Okay, I’ve done all that and I’m still not rich. I haven’t even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It’s possible that you’re not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I don’t have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I’ve never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.
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Hope you enjoyed this and I must admit I didn’t write it, simply a copy and paste job from a joke newsletter I received (Yes, part of my job entails reading jokes for publishing them in the Tipp Tatler). Hopefully someone will read it before ‘investing’ money in some get rich quick scheme.
Now I’ve got to go and sort out the paper work to collect the lotto winnings from that country I’ve never heard of and help that widow transfer her deceased husband’s millions to my account.
Where’s my cheque book?
Hey Derry
A damn funny post. The MLM guys are pretty blatant about it, but they are just a distillation of the techniques used by banks, politicians and girlfriends all over the country. Everyone likes the idea of a bargain. No matter how unrealistic, the little greedy deamon in all of us can´t resist the idea that there has be an easier way to pull one over on the poor sods who are slaving away for a living. Feck it, its probably why I´m living on the other side of the world. It´s why the Dragons gave us a couple of offers when they thought they could pick up some piehole cheap. Its in all of us.
Whoops. That sounds very serious all of a sudden.
James