The Idiot’s Guide to Internet Success!

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?

A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?

A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?

A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?

A: As you’re surfing around the net you’ll see banners and links that say things like “Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!” Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won’t really take ninety days though, will it?

A: Of course not. They just say that so you’ll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn’t sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I’ve found one that says “Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!” Is that good?

A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?

A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it’s the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it’s MLM, by the time my third level is operating I’ll be making $345,915.45 per week.

A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?

A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ… uh, clients. You can switch your mother’s long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.

A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It’s for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?

A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.

A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it’s bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won’t I lose my web host and ISP?

A: In the get-rich-quick business, it’s important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?

A: Here’s a list of suggestions:

–Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.

–Join every free banner exchange.

–Get your own free-for-all links page.

–Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.

–Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. –Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.

–Hire a bulk emailer.

–Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I’ve done all that and I’m still not rich. I haven’t even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?

A: It’s possible that you’re not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don’t have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?

A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I’ve never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?

A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

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Hope you enjoyed this and I must admit I didn’t write it, simply a copy and paste job from a joke newsletter I received (Yes, part of my job entails reading jokes for publishing them in the Tipp Tatler). Hopefully someone will read it before ‘investing’ money in some get rich quick scheme.

Now I’ve got to go and sort out the paper work to collect the lotto winnings from that country I’ve never heard of and help that widow transfer her deceased husband’s millions to my account.

Where’s my cheque book?

More bureaucratic bullshit

Last week I sought to register a new business name with the Companies Registration Office in Ireland to launch a new magazine, a sister magazine if you like to an existing one.

Today I received a letter from the CRO stating that I would have to resubmit the forms because “It appears that the business is located at your residential address. Given the nature of your business it would seem more appropriate that your business would be better located at a commercial premises

Extract from CRO letter
Extract from CRO letter

What the hell gives the CRO the right to tell me where the most suitable place to run my business is?

Do they even know what it entails to run my business?

I have run my business from an old kitchen table at the foot of my bed.

I have run my business from cafes with free wifi.

I have run my business from another country for God’s sake.

Why the hell should it matter where I run a business from so long as I at least try?

Why does some bureaucratic bullshit delay me in my attempts to start something new, maybe even create employment (heavens forbid) while someone with a clipboard offers me unasked for advice on where best to run a business from?

I despair, I fucking despair